Case Scenario*
Six weeks after the wedding, Denise was
sitting at home alone, already " thinking they'd made a mistake. Denise was an
architect and Jose was a computer-game designer; each valued being a separate individual
as well as being a couple. They secretly enjoyed being the couple everyone saw as
different and special. Jose and Denise realized that others looked up to them as an
ideal relationship. They lived together for a year before the wedding. That
way everything would work smoothly and there wouldn't be any surprises, right?
Wrong. It wasn't that Jose was acting as if there was no relationship; he was
acting as if she wasn't even there! What had happened?
Denise was so worried she started thinking
back to see if there were any signs that might have foretold such a disappointing turn of
events. All she could remember were the good things. Jose was the first one to
start talking about the relationship. That's what impressed Denise right away.
She remembered the cool summer evening she and Jose were having dinner on the
outdoor patio of Bicycle Jim's, a local hangout. They had met only a month before,
but he said, "I'm hoping we can consider this relationship to be a monogamous one.”
Whoa, Denise thought, a man who talks about the relationship!? Even initiates
it? Well, she knew she was attracted to him, that's for sure. He had an
interesting job, was a rock-climber for fun, went swimming for exercise, was funny, smart,
and good-looking, and they could talk on and on about everything, even the relationship!
So why not? Denise was so flabbergasted, all she could say was, "I'd
like that; sounds good to me.”
Was that a mistake? Did they rush into
things too quickly? Take a deep breath, Denise told herself; of course they didn't
rush into anything. That was why they waited three years before they got married!
So why was he not coming home for dinner, and not letting her know? Why did
he now start making plans that didn't include her? Why were they together less now
than before they got married? And it was only six weeks ago that they took their
vows! Jose loved being with her; at least that's what he told her. Denise
recalled one day, about a year after they'd started seeing each other when they were
driving along the highway with Jose on the way to the big outlet mall. They stopped
to take pictures of ducks on a pond. The mama duck was leading the way, and three
yellow ducklings were lined up behind her. Out of the blue, Jose said, "1
really love the way we are together. I love this relationship.” Now most
men tell you they love you, she thought, and yes, he had done that many times; but this is
different. He is telling me how good our relationship is. It was thrilling.
So it's not like I ever forced him to talk about it, or that we had to talk about
it only when there was a problem, and maybe he even talked about it more than I did.
Could that be it? That I didn't talk about it enough? A little voice
inside of her said, "Get real.”
In the meantime, Jose is in his office,
feeling overwhelmed with work. He's thinking that he has just got one more idea that
he needs to promote, one more job to finish, and then he'll start getting home earlier,
but there is such pressure now. Not to mention the after-work social obligations of
the business. And there are all these rock-climbing opportunities that have just
come up. He thinks it's a good thing that Denise isn't the clingy type and doesn't
smother him. Thank goodness she has her own career and even makes it known that she
wants her independence, too. Jose did notice she seemed a bit tense lately, but he
wasn't too worried about it. Being an architect is a high-pressure job, too, so she
probably felt pressured at work. Besides, Jose thinks, I know the rules. If
something is wrong with the relationship, she'll let me know right away.
Denise is pacing the floor.
She has decided that she has been patient for too long. It's time to talk
about this problem. She knows they agreed that independence was something they both
needed, but not to the exclusion of each other. Besides, it wasn't the fact of
Jose's not being at home that hurt, it was that he was being inconsiderate by not letting
her know his plans ahead of time, as if she had nothing else in her life that could be
planned when he wasn't around. He was always considerate before they got married.
Now all of a sudden he seems like another person. How could she be so blind?
Denise heard the garage
door open, and she froze. How should I start? What should I say first? I
can't believe I'm even worrying about all this considering how much we've been able to
talk about in the past! So as soon as Jose walked in the door, she blurted out,
"We've got to talk about our relationship!” Taken aback, Jose said
hesitantly, "Okay. ...really? I mean, umm, I didn't know there was a
problem.” "Well, there is," Denise said forcefully, surprising
herself with her own anger. Now Jose looked really worried and confused. He
wasn't sure what was happening, but something ill the back of his mind told him he was
angry, too. Denise seemed to know so much more about relationships than he did, and
she made sense, too. But sometimes it felt like he just let her decide how the
relationship was going to be, even when it came to rearranging furniture in what used to
be his home. Whatever was bugging her now, he was going to stand firm and not let
her rule the roost.
So they sat down on the old
couch in the living room that was crowded with all kinds of things from his and her past
lives. It seemed a bit too crowded, in fact, because it was meant only to be Jose's
place as a single guy. Then Denise moved in and brought all her things, and it
didn't seem the same any more. Denise wondered if Jose could be thinking he lost his
freedom. After being with her for three years, why would it hit him now?
Jose said, "Well, what
is it?” "I don't know where to start, so I hope you can be patient with
me," Denise replied. "Okay, I'll listen," said Jose. Denise
began to pour out thoughts that at first didn't make any sense. She talked about his
not coming home, her feeling more alone than when she lived alone, her feeling that he's
changed, until finally she came to what seemed like a conclusion. "I feel like
you don't want to be married," she said. "What!?” Jose asked
incredulously. "Why do you say that?”
"Well, ever since we
got married you have more and more things to do and seem to find more and more excuses to
stay out of the house and shut me out of your life.” "But you always
said we should have our separate identities, didn't you?” "Yes, but not to
the point where you pretend the other person doesn't exist!” "What do you
mean, doesn't exist? We see each other every night when I get home.”
"Yeah, but that's only when it's convenient for you. I'm not even talking about the amount of time we spend together, even though that might be part of it. I'm talking about the way you seem to be doing things without even letting me know first. I don't want to be some ball and chain. And although we both enjoy our freedom during the day, I at least want to know when you're going to be home so I know whether I can expect to eat a meal with you or spend some time with you in the evening. Otherwise, I worry that something bad must have happened, because you always used to be so considerate in letting me know what you were doing. Something has changed, and we need to figure out what it is.”
"Well, I have been really pressured at
work lately," Jose said, "but I bet that excuse won't satisfy you, will it?
It doesn't feel right to me either. ... Hmmm. ...I guess, I feel
stifled somehow.”
"Stifled?” asked Denise,
with obvious irritation in her voice. "What have I done to stifle you?
We've been together three years, and now you feel stifled? What have I done?
What's changed?”
"Oh well, let's see. More people
are making demands on my time now, but, well, I guess that doesn't account for not calling
you, does it? I admit there is something going on, but I can't put my finger on it.
I am feeling some resentment or something. Maybe I feel like you always have
the right words to say when I don't, or that you seem to have some kind of radar that
zeroes in on any little tension in the relationship. Maybe I resent that.”
Jose thought he might be close, but he still didn't feel that he had it right yet.
"It's weird," said Denise,
"There is nothing you've said about me that is any different from the way I've been
all along. You even said you liked the fact that we could talk about things as they
came up, and that it felt freer to have no hidden baggage of tension dragging you down.
The only thing I can see that is different from six weeks ago is that we got
married.”
Then Jose's face turned red. His
thoughts felt jumbled. Was that it? It couldn't be. They had been in a
committed relationship for quite some time. So how could that piece of paper change
things so much that she thinks I'm a different person - that I don't want to be married to
her? Denise saw the look on Jose's face. "That's it, isn't it?”
she asked. "There's something about marriage.”
They sat in silence for
awhile, a bit stunned. Here they were, the "perfect" couple feeling bad
about marriage! "You know," Jose said, "I bet there's something about
marriage that none of us can ever really escape.” "What's that?”
asked Denise. "It is such an ingrained part of our culture that everyone
has some idea about what it is supposed to mean," said Jose. "Now I'm not
sure if that has anything to do with our problem, but I do know that we can't help but
think we know what marriage means.”
"Yes, that's it!”
Denise said, excitedly. "If we each assume we know what it means, we
don't even talk to each other about it. We think we know what the other thinks it
means. We assume we have the same ideas about marriage because everybody does!
Then that unspoken knowledge makes us feel as if we know what the other is supposed
to do. Oh, man, I can't believe we have new things to talk about after all this
time. I can't believe I am asking you this for the first time. What does being
married mean to you?”
Finally, and reluctantly,
Jose said. "I thought marriage meant I had no freedom to be who I wanted
to be. I thought that, in spite of the fact that my relationship with you had shown
me that I could be part of a couple and an individual, too.” Denise said,
"Do you think that being married meant you had to prove you were free, regardless of
how you felt about us?”
"I guess so,"
said Jose. "Maybe that is why I felt so pressured but didn't know why. I
hadn't thought about how much power the institution of marriage would have to negate all
that we had built up and put us into a trap that I'm sure lots of couples get into.
I can't believe we did this. I thought we had the perfect relationship.”
Jose laughed at how silly the word "perfect" sounded, even to him.
"But it's really not
the institution of marriage, is it? I mean, the institution isn't making us do
anything. It's our own 'idea' of marriage. Maybe we should think about this -
just because everyone else has an idea of what marriage is supposed to be, that doesn't
mean we have to have the same idea, does it? First off, we need to find out what
each of us thinks marriage means. Then we can come to some agreement about what it
will mean for us, okay?” Denise asked, knowing that this would work out, just
like all of the other issues they had worked on before.
"Well, sure, but I
have to say something else first. I am not the only one who seems to have
changed," said Jose, surprising the heck out of Denise. "What, what do you
mean?” she asked. He said, "What about that rule we agreed upon, that
we would bring up stuff as it comes up, no matter how big or small? No baggage,
remember? I was amazed at how good you were at that even though you admitted it
frightened you. So what happened this time? Why did it take weeks?”
Now Denise turned red, thinking to herself,
I've got my own lessons to learn. Relationship problems always involve at least two
people, not just one. "Okay, you caught me off guard here. ...Why didn't
I speak up right away? ... Well, we had just gotten married, and, well, um, I
didn't want to rock the boat.” Jose looked at her and said, "You've got to
admit that that's a lame excuse, given all we've just talked about.” "Okay
take it easy on me, I'm still trying to figure it out myself," Denise said, holding
her hands up as if to protect herself. Perhaps she needed to ask herself the same
question, what did marriage mean to her? The only marriages she'd seen up close
(including her parents') had ended in divorce. All of a sudden she found herself
crying. " I guess I was worried that you'd leave me if started complaining.”
Jose put his arm around her, realizing they
were treading on vulnerable territory, and he said, "Now why would I do that?
Think back in the three years we've known each other and how many times you brought
up things that bothered you. How did I handle those times?” "You
were amazing," she said. "You'd listen and keep asking me to tell you more
about it, even if it was only a little thing such as how the dishes were put in the
dishwasher, or how you shrunk my sweater in the dryer. You'd ask if there was
anything else, and then we'd work on it, and I always felt better afterwards.”
So now the power of the idea of marriage hit her, too. "Wow, I can't
believe I let my childhood idea of marriage take over like that after all we had done to
make our relationship unique. My problem is that I don't really have any models of
good marriages, so I really only know what marriage isn't supposed to be. Perhaps
that is why I am so eager for us to create our own marriage based on what we want. I
guess we still have some things to talk about. It never ends, does it?”
"Just as it should
be," Jose smiled.
* Note: This case was adapted from
the following source:
Acitelli, L. K. (1999). Can we talk about us?
Talking about the relationship. In D. O. Braithwaite & J. T. Wood (Eds.),
Case studies in interpersonal communication: Processes and problems (pp.
165-172).