Scenario adapted from a case written by Sandra Metts. Published in D. O. Braithwaite & J. T. Wood (Eds.,) Case studies in interpersonal communication: Processes and problems (pp. 173-178). Belmont: CA. Wadsworth. (2000).

Sarah was frustrated as she drove home from work. Always too much to do and never enough time. She was working way too much and she knew it. But she didn’t know how to say no when asked to do more. She was still not finished with the midyear report and, to make matters worse, tomorrow night she was facing an exam in the course she was taking for her Master’s degree. She was tired and hungry and hoped that Russell had started dinner. She turned the corner onto the driveway and pushed the automatic opener for the garage door. By the time it was halfway up she saw that Russell’s car was not there. "Well, I guess Russell won’t be helping with dinner again," she muttered half out loud. "Why is everything my responsibility."

As Sarah entered the kitchen she saw the message light flashing on the answering machine. "Hi, Hon," said Russell’s voice. "It’s just me. Wanted to let you know that I will be a little late getting home. Hope your day was good. See you soon."

Sarah felt her mood darken even more. It was already 5:30, and she didn’t feel like cooking or waiting to eat. But she looked through the refrigerator until she found the makings of a salad, leftover pork chops, and some aging potatoes. She washed the breakfast dishes in the sink as she prepared dinner. "Geez, he can’t even do the dishes when he knows that I am under such pressure," she thought to herself. "Tonight after dinner I am going to ask him to give me a little help around the house, at least until the end of the semester—maybe take care of dinner and dishes during the week and the laundry on Saturday."

A short time later Russell pulled into the garage. Sarah was putting dinner on the table when he came into the kitchen. He too was tired and the residue of his stressful day lingered. "Ugh, what a day," he said. "I thought James and Mark would never get out of my office. Get this, they want me to do a survey of the entire country by the end of the month."

"Well, at least you don’t have the same stupid report from last week still hanging around your neck like an albatross, and an exam coming up that you haven’t even studied for."

"Of course I don’t. But then I wouldn’t let anyone walk all over me like you let those folks at C & G do to you."

Sarah bristled. "I can’t help it," she said.

"Well, you can, but you won’t," Russell responded. Then, looking at the table, he remarked, "Pork chops? We had port chops last night. And Sunday on the grill."

Sarah tried very hard to control her anger, but her voice was sharp. "Yes, we are having pork chops. If you want something else, you can fix it."

Russell answered without thinking, "Let’s just go out for dinner."

"Go out?" Sarah snapped, "after I made dinner? Since when can we afford to throw away food? Or is it that my cooking is just too awful."

"I never said you cooking was awful; I just don’t feel like pork chops. Lighten up."

"Lighten up? Easy for you to say. You don’t have to work full time, take care of the house, do all of the shopping, and work on your Master’s degree."

Russell felt his fatigue turning into anger. "Oh, no, it’s the poor-me-routine; you give and give and I do nothing. I don’t mow the lawn, pay the bills, buy the groceries, cook as often as you do, and clean the house every Saturday."

"Oh? Since when? You never do anything around the house; it’s work all week and golf all weekend."

"Oh, so it’s my fault that nothing gets done? Maybe I do my work all week because I am not allowed to make noise in this precious house. All I ever hear from you is "Please be quiet; I’m studying. You know, my Master’s degree, my Master’s degree.’ It’s your excuse for everything. ‘I don’t have time to shop, my Master’s degree. Can’t watch TV, I have homework. Can’t go out, I have an exam. Can’t have sex anymore, gotta work on my Master’s degree.’ At least I get a little peace and companionship on the golf course."

"Oh, you’re exaggerating, as usual. I do not make you be quiet, I do more than my share around here, and we …. we have sex. You’re making me out to be a monster."

"Well, frankly, Sarah, that’s about it. You have the patience of a gnat, and you’re just about as much fun. We have sex when the moon is full, and we never make love any more. I practically have to beg you to come to bed, and a man gets pretty tired of begging for something from his wife that other women offer freely."

"What’s that supposed to mean? Are you looking at other women now?" Sarah felt resentful. She knew that there were problems in the bedroom and that she was partly to blame. But she resented Russell making her feel so guilty; it was certainly not all her fault. "Why are you saying this: I can’t help it if I’m tired. Maybe if I got some help around here I’d have more energy. I’m carrying a heavy load here. You knew I was going to continue my education when we got married."

"Oh, yes, but I didn’t know that it would consume you life and our marriage. Now I have to worship a the alter of the Heavy Load. The pressures of work and, oh, the pressures of that blessed Master’s degree. All bow in honor to the Heavy Load."

Sarah felt pushed into a corner. She felt that Russell was attacking the very core of who she was – a good student, a high achiever. "Well, at least I’m capable of getting a Master’s degree. I don’t see you in college Mr. Einstein. In fact, you barley get out with a bachelor’s degree. We had to drag you off the golf course for graduation—or did you even graduate? I can’t quite remember."

Russell stood up so abruptly that Sarah was startled. "I know you don’t think I’m very smart. Certainly I’ll never meet your standards. I don’t know why you married such a stupid guy. But I’ll tell you, Sarah, I’m a good man with or without an advanced degree! I don’t need a piece of paper to prove I’m worth something, but you sure do. We’ve been married almost two years and you’re still not a wife. When are you going to grow up?"

He moved to the door before Sarah could respond. "I’m going out to eat," he said, "and to enjoy my own ignorant company."

"Well, good," Sarah yelled back, "you are the only one who can!" Sarah was agitated as she picked up the dishes and tossed the uneaten food in the trash. As she cleaned the kitchen, she fought back tears. Why does this always happen. I promise myself I will be rational, but I get defensive and, bang, we are on the downward slope. I didn’t think marriage would be like this. Why can’ he be a little more supportive of what I’m going through? "Still not a wife"? What kind of crack is that? I’m more grown up than he will ever be.

Later that evening, Sarah was working at the computer when Russell returned. She heard him click on the television downstairs and she thought about going down to talk to him. Instead, she decided that if he wanted to talk he could just as easily come up to see her. But he probably won’t, she thought; he’s too stubborn. Besides he said some hurtful things and he owned her an apology.

Russell started mindlessly at the television. He knew that he and Sarah needed to talk, but he just couldn’t endure another heated argument. He knew that he shouldn’t have brought up the sex thing again but she was never "in the mood" anymore. Every night was a struggle just to get her to turn off that darn computer and come to bed. She seemed to think that Master’s degree was more important than he was. She was always so serious, about everything. Heaven forbid that a smile should cross her face. And then, oh that remark about his grades! Maybe he wasn’t the best student in the world, but he graduated and got a good job. And he was doing well. Why didn’t she ever acknowledge that? Better to sit here, he thought, and keep his ego intact than to try another discussion. He loved his wife, but lately all they seemed to do was argue. I just can’t deal with this any more, he decided. Maybe if I just don’t say anything about anything for awhile, things will settle down. Russell fell asleep in the recliner and woke up sometime after midnight. He found Sarah already in bed asleep. As quietly as he could, he slipped under the covers. Sarah was awakened by his movements and thought about apologizing. But the last things she needed to hear was how selfish she was. He didn’t even seem to care bout her needs, only his own -–sex, sex, sex. Sarah lay there in the darkness very still, pretending to be asleep. Both lay awake for some time – feeling frustrated, rejected, angry and hurt.

End of Case