Chapter 5: COMMUNITY AND IDENTITY

What is this abstract thing called identity? How might a young woman in college choose to think about herself? What might she call herself and why? What groups might she join? How does a young woman cope with having more than one, or perhaps multiple identities?

When someone asks who you are, how do you answer? Perhaps you tell them that you are a twenty-year-old student, that you are a dancer, that you are a Jewish woman, that you are a native New Yorker. Perhaps you are a woman of color who notices that your classes have very few people of color in them. Maybe you are a bisexual woman who wants to know how to meet other women at Columbia University.

Women choose to identify themselves along many lines. We may identify ourselves by race, religious beliefs, nationality, sexual preference, economic class, or physical characteristics ("I'm 5'4" with dark, curly hair and a curvy nose"). We each possess a unique combination of identities, a rich mixture of our family heritage, national culture, education, experiences and environment, and these different parts of ourselves demand exploration and development.

Unfortunately, not all of our identities are ones which we have chosen. Often, people label us, stereotype us, impose identities upon us, or expect us to act a certain way because we are "women," "engineers," "feminists," "Asian-Americans." Have we chosen our different identities or simply accepted them? As young women, it is healthy for us to give ourselves the space to consider what our different identities mean, to consider which communities we want to join and why. No one lifestyle, identity, or community is "perfect" or "natural" for everyone.

"PRIVILEGED IDENTITIES"

Why are some identities privileged and some are not? For instance, heterosexual couples can walk down the street holding hands and gay couples cannot without fear of harassment. Or, white people do not have to think about the color of their skin when they walk into a predominantly white classroom. Nor does anyone ask them, "So Ms. White, how does the white community feel about this issue?" or "What was it like to have white parents?" Because people of color are the minority at Columbia University, we are asked to speak for all people of color, or we are taught primarily a white, European, male centered history, often called "the dominant ideology."

As we grow up as girls, we are often taught that we need to look pretty for boys, and that someday Prince Charming will come and sweep us off our feet. Girls tend to perceive their value in relation to boys: "I am not valuable without a boyfriend by my side." Perhaps you can remember the intense pressure to be going out with a boy, to wear the right clothes, to date the "right" boy. Perhaps you still feel his pressure from friends and relatives.

But you have the right to choose to have many different types of relationships, or not to have one at all. Regardless of your sexual preference and in spite of the type of relationship you choose (casual, semi-serious, monogamous), you have the right to receive respect from your peers and family. Two Barnard women talk about their ideas on female identity and its relation to men:

Three of my good friends dropped out of school primarily because of men. A case of "looking for love in all the wrong places," each one defined herself through some man's eyes. When the men left or admitted they weren't in love with the women, they lost control of their lives. You can never allow someone else to dictate who you are.I always thought that I would meet some Romeo in college and marry him and have 2.5 kids. That's what I learned to expect from everything around me, the T.V., my parents, my friends. But then I came to college and besides learning that perfect rationships only happen in Harlequin Romance novels, I also realized that I want the primary, sexual relationship in my life to be with women. But there aren't any storybooks about Snow White and Cinderella living happily ever after now are there?

"UNIVERSAL WOMEN"

As the chapter progresses, you will hear the voices of many women speak about their identities and their communities, both on and off campus. You will notice many differences between the women because there is no such thing as "the universal woman" who can speak for all women or understand every woman's experience. But it also may prove useful to look for the similarities between women as well, to notice where women's experiences converge, to imagine a sisterhood in which many ideas and lifestyles are respected and discussed.

LESBIAN, BISEXUAL AND QUESTIONING WOMEN

Sexuality, like most everything else, is not easily defined, nor is it simply a question of "gay or straight." Some women find it liberating to think of sexuality as fluid, as something that can change and has many possible forms and expressions. But because this world is one that relies on labels and categories to understand women's sexuality, it is important that we explore some of these categories. If you consider yourself heterosexual, you may assume that this section does not apply to you. But keep reading! It is always important to learn about women who may have different experiences or points of view than we do. Often, fear or hatred of a group of people stems from a lack of information. When we start to discuss sexuality openly and have access to information, we can begin to understand and respect that all women have a right to choose their own sexualities.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION, SOME DEFINITIONS

A broad definition of a LESBIAN is a woman who engages in sexual activity primarily with other women. A lesbian woman, if she enjoys long relationships, will often choose a woman as her lifetime emotional and sexual partner. A lesbian couple may live together, keep home together, go on vacations together, etc. Some women extend the definition of lesbianism to women who not only make love with women but who are "women oriented" or "women centered." These terms refer to women who spend most of their time with women, who work on political/social causes that focus on women, on women's art, music, writing, etc. Some women prefer to be called "gay" or "woman-oriented," claiming that the word "lesbian" is linked to a white, western women's movement.

For some women the term lesbianism carries the political significance of being independent from men--not depending on men financially, emotionally, or sexually. Because in our society, everything gears a young girl to be with men (television commercials, peer discussions, schools, youth groups, parents, religion, the list goes on), they view the choice to be a lesbian as an act of resistance to popular culture and morality.However, some lesbian women do not think that being a lesbian is a political act. They just find themselves more attracted to women and choose them as partners instead of choosing men. Period.

A BISEXUAL woman is one who is sexually attracted to both genders. A bisexual woman may be involved primarily with women or primarily with men or involved equally with both. A bisexual woman is not just "in a state of confusion" or a woman who "just can't make up her mind about which sex to pick." Some lesbian women report that at one time they considered themselves bisexual, and then made the choice to be exclusively with women. But that does not mean that bisexuality is always a stage that a woman goes through.

Is bisexuality a political identity? Some bisexual women think so, and others do not. When a bisexual woman is with another woman, she is dealing with the same questions/issues that a lesbian woman would. For instance, does she tell her co-workers that she has a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend? Does she hold her girlfriend's hand on the street? Where does she turn to for examples of how to have a healthy relationship with a woman?

A QUESTIONING woman is a woman who is questioning her sexual orientation and going through a thought process about with whom she may want to be sexually active. A woman may also choose to name her sexual orientation indefined. For some women, questioning is the only step. She may decide that she really is heterosexual and discontinue the questioning of her sexuality. For some other women, questioning their sexual orientation can lead to a re-definition of it. Maybe she will decide she is a lesbian or bisexual woman.

MYTHS ABOUT LESBIAN WOMEN/LESBIAN IDENTITY

Myth: Lesbian women hate men.

Fact: While lesbian women may spend most of their time concentrating their energy on developing sexual/emotional relationships with other women, this does NOT mean they hate men. It is hard for this society to believe that every man doesn't need to have a relationship with a man to be a whole, valuable woman. Often society turns this disbelief into a myth that all lesbian women categorically hate men.

Myth: Lesbians are only with women because they have had bad experiences with men or they cannot get a man.

Fact: Lesbian women PREFER to have relationships with women over having relationships with men. Being a lesbian really has nothing to do with men. If it appears that lesbian women are "not able to get a man," it is probably because we are not LOOKING for men. Though some heterosexual women have had bad relationships with men, that doesn't turn them into lesbian women.

Myth: Lesbian women are all butches, really want to be men, and wear work boots, short hair, flannel shirts and dirty jeans.

Fact: Lesbian women wear everything from Ann Taylor suits to frilly dresses to combat boots. Not all lesbian women have short hair but some definitely do. Most of the lesbians that I have met (and that's quite a few) are quite happy being women, and feel that women can wear short hair and work boots and still be women. Some lesbian women wear lipstick, eyeliner, the works (and, yes, still make love with women).

Myth: When two women are in a relationship, one plays the man (fixes the plumbing, is butch, is aggressive in bed) and the other plays the woman (is feminine, weak, passive in bed, cooks the food ).

Fact: It is not necessary to have a "man" in a relationship for it to be healthy. Two women can be WOMEN and have a healthy sexual, emotional and intellectual relationship. Many people think that a relationship needs a leader or a powerful one (one who "plays the male") to make decisions and run the show. Why? While some women may choose to have a butch/femme relationship, not all do. It can be insightful to confront power dynamics in a relationship and recognize that issues about power and control exist in every relationship.

"COMING OUT"

Coming Out is a term used to acknowledge one's lesbianism/gayness/- bisexuality to oneself or to others. Why does one have to "come out"? And what does one "come out" of? The fact of the matter is that if a woman does not TELL people explicitly that she is a lesbian, they will, 99 times out of 100, ASSUME that she has sex and relationships with men. If she does not "come out" to them, they will not know this very important identity of hers. Some people also use the expression "coming out of the closet," the closet being a metaphor for a hiding place, a place where identity is hidden and obscured.

COMING OUT TO ONESELF

How does a woman begin to entertain the possibility that she may be a lesbian or a bisexual? For some women, the thought comes to her when she is very young. Perhaps it is better named a feeling. Many girls experiment with each other, often under the guise of "teaching each other how to kiss so they'll know for the boys." Some of these girls really are just experimenting, and some of them may be having the first of many experiences with girls and women. Usually with these first experiences, girls do not consciously consider that these experiences are "not normal." They are just having fun. But soon girls learn that fooling around with other girls is "wrong" and "not the right thing to do" in the world's eyes. One Barnard College senior explains her first experiences with girls:

I remember that I would mess around with my girlfriends, or would hold them when we had sleep overs. At camp my bunk-mate would always kiss me and say it was so that I'd know how to kiss my boyfriend. But I soon learned that I was supposed to only like boys, and became boy crazy. The first time I ever CONSCIOUSLY desired a women I was fourteen. I thought I might be gay or bisexual then. But I suppressed these feelings for two more years. I felt alone, and afraid to express these feelings. When I was sixteen, I made love to a woman for the first time.

Columbia College junior tells about her experience of "coming out" to herself:

When I was in fifth grade, I can remember watching an "R" rated movie with my friend. Well, there was a sex scene in it and I could not stop watching the woman. I thought to myself that night, why was I watching the woman when I was supposed to be watching the man? Throughout middle-school, I continued to fantasize at night about women. But it wasn't until my first year of college that I really "came out" to myself or to anyone else.

What you may ask after reading these testimonies is when did each of these women actually "come out" to herself? Coming out is a process that can often take years. It is difficult to pick a day, date and time and say, "It was then when I came out!Some women come out in college because the campus environment is a bit more supportive of a bisexual or lesbian identity than is the average high school environment. Most college campuses have lesbian/gay/bisexual coalitions, even if these groups are small or not well respected.While some women report that they came out because they were simply hit with the fact that they were attracted to women, some women come to being lesbian/bisexual in quite a different way. They were first exposed to the possibility of a different sexual orientation, and then they chose, for the first time, to question only being with men. One woman reports:

Before I came to Barnard, I never even thought....and then I started taking this Intro to Women's Studies Class. The class didn't make me gay, but it did expose me to the fact that a lesbian women existed and wrote poetry, theory. I started thinking about women because it became an option, not because being with women just OCCURRED to me.

Or some women come out to themselves because they have a crush on a friend and have to deal with their feelings of attraction for a specific woman. There is no right or wrong time to begin questioning one's sexuality.